Saturday, October 11, 2008

I'll probably delete this post but I'm going to write it anyway. I'm in a black hole. Yeah, that's how I will describe it. I know I'm lucky to have the life that I have...I do have a great husband (who makes me nuts sometimes, but he's great) and I have four healthy children that I love and you know ... life is good, right? But right now...I'm just not feeling it. I'm so not me right now. Not me at all. I'm usually laughing about everything. I'm an optimist. Not right now. Right now I'm just - eeeeh. Here is an example...Today Mark was out all day so I decided to get the house clean so that I could just hang out with him tomorrow. I cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. Dinner...Jason and Ryan were being .... jerks. Jason decided to crumble chips on top of Ryan's sandwich. Ryan comes back to the table with his milk...sees the chip crumbs on his sandwich and tips his plate so that they all fall off onto the table. In the big scheme of things ... not a big deal...annoying (both of them) ... but how do I react....I burst into tears. Mark's like "this is worth crying about?" YES DAMN IT! MY ARMS ARE KILLING ME BUT I CLEANED ALL DAY SO THAT I COULD ENJOY THE WEEKEND AND NOBODY CARES! CANT I JUST HAVE A CLEAN TABLE FOR 15 MINUTES? CAN"T THE FLOOR BE CLEAN FOR 2 MINUTES?! Silence. They probably think I'm a nut. I'm a mess. I'm over the top. What the hell is wrong with me right now. Stress, parents, school, kids ... life? I'm a mess. I was like one of those reality TV shows -- you know how someone is always crying about something on those -- I could cry about chip crumbs on my clean table! Can't you just see me on the TV sobbing "and...and...and there were crumbs and it was .... sob sob ... horrible!" yeah, I'm definitely over the top. My arms have been hurting...really hurting....Tylenol every four hours not helping hurting. Doctor appointment this Monday hurting. It started in September of 07 when I started school. They would get sore after I had been practicing for a few hours. Then about a month into school I was hand quilting and my wrist made this SNAP sound ... pain OMG pain. So I went to the doctor and she gave me some pills like Alieve but like twice the dose of the OTC form. It worked great when they would start to hurt and I was careful to take a lot of breaks when I was practicing but for about I don't three months now I guess they have been hurting more and more and more and Lord knows I haven't touched my machine in at least TWO WEEKS! I was taking the sheets off of my bed today and pain shot up my arm from my elbow and I was just pulling up on the corner. They hurt so bad now that I don't want to do anything. It's constant pain. Constant. I have lost all interest in school. When I would sit down to practice I could only go about 15 minutes before my arms would hurt so bad that I would have to stop. I don't want to be a cripple from it. When I started I thought it would be a great part time job. I could work when I wanted, as much or as little as I wanted, still be home when my kids are home, and the pay is amazing. But now I'm thinking it's not worth it. I want to see what the doctor says about it on Monday. I have guilt about quiting the Court Reporting thing. We've spent a lot of money on it. Machine, books, tuition, computer, computer software. I could sell it but still I have a lot invested to just walk away. Plus I don't want my kids to see me quit. Bad example to show kids you know?! I'll have to wait and see what the doctor has to say. He's probably going to say that I'm a complete wack job and he can't help me! :O)

1 comment:

miss chris said...

XOXOXOXO

Oh honey. You can't keep this up. CR has a crazy high attrition rate for all sorts of reasons, but you can't cripple yourself over it. It's not worth it. You can get good money for the resale. Just do it. Your kids will understand. Don't beat yourself up over it. (And honestly, I don't know about it being the best part time job. Most of the reporters we work with are pretty darned stressed out.)

Anyway, I'm feeling it too. I am overwhelmed by everything these days and have doom looming overhead. I cried every day last week, and even last night. Can't get above it.... so I know.

Hang in there, and don't beat yourself up. I won't if you don't. Hugs....