Wednesday, September 3, 2008


I'm having crazy language issues the past few days. Now, granted I'm not sitting here in Maryland speaking the Queen's English if ya know what I mean, but good grief the things my ears have had to listen too lately are making me envy my mom! :O)

First, I'm at a shopping center. Two little girls are standing next to me apparently waiting for their mom. Girl one says "wherez she at?" (my eye starts twitching with that one) Girl two "I don't know! OH! Dare she is - in da stoooor!" Girl one "Oh My Gawd! she aint buying dem shooz is she?" Girl two "yeah, dare fer Ricky"

Oh Lord above can we track down the school teacher and shoot her? Now?

Second, my family is mainly Irish Catholic. Lots of guilt and fear of burning in hell for all eternity. Well, we have some Bohemian blood from my father's mother's parents but they were some seriously twisted people so we pretend that that 1/4 of our blood doesn't exist. So anyhoo, my oldest brother decided he wanted to learn Gaelic FROM A BOOK! Now, we all (my sister, my three brothers and I) all grew up in the same house about 30 minutes from Baltimore. For some unexplained reason my oldest brother speaks with a Baltimore accent (South "Balmer" to be exact). So picture if you will my brother's answering machine....Oh there's a message on it but I haven't a clue what he's saying because it's in some form of Gaelic (or so he claims). And he's serious! I can't leave a message for him because I'm usually howling laughing. It's this New York Mafia Biker "Balmer" Tough Guy version of what could be a very cool language. It's craziness is what it is! And, I'm sorry, but what exactly do you do with the skill of speaking Gaelic (the self taught from a book version - mmmhmm) in a country where NO ONE speaks Gaelic? Hell, I don't think anyone in the WORLD ever spoke this version of...ahh...Gaelic!

Then there is Howard. We had an elevated food dish for him but every time he finished his food it would tip over and spill all the water all over the floor. What to do? What to do? Finally, we came up with this ugly monstrosity!

It's an 18 gallon Rubbermaid box full of his food with his food dishes on top right in the middle of my kitchen! Oh it's as ugly as it gets but it was the only thing tall enough for him! So we purchased the new food dishes. Aren't they lovely on top of the ginormous box -- look I bought blue to match! How clever of me! Anyhoo, he was petrified of the water dish for 4 days!!! Wouldn't take a sip out of it. Shook with fear every time it was placed next to the food dish. Food dish -- no problem. Water dish -- very scary. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed! Great Danes are goofy. But look how BRAAAAAVE he is now!

And the vet called yesterday...HI MARY! Guess what? All the tests came back negative! Howard doesn't have Inflammatory Bowl Disease! He just has Spastic Colon! Hooray for Howard! So I tell Mark....Mark:"Are you telling me that we spent $800 to find out that Howard is fine and just needs to stay out of the mashed potatoes?" Me:"Yep! Pretty much." Mark: "I'm going to kill that dog!" Then last night at about 3:30 am Howard (who sleeps on a bed on the floor on Mark's side of the bed) lets out this crazy howl (like Snoopy from the old Charlie Brown holiday movies) BBWWWOOOOWOOOOOOOOOOOOW! Mark flies up in the air from a dead sleep! "I SWEAR TO GOD MARY I"M GOING TO KILL THAT DOG!" Meanwhile I'm laughing hysterically! It was the funniest sound I had ever heard! OMG! I love that dog! LOL Poor How-word he had a bad dream! :O)

I went to class last night. Mmmhmm. I surely did. Hadn't touched my machine in three weeks (never did get around to it yesterday...) and oh was it ugly! It was pretty clear that all of my friends in class hadn't practiced either so there was a lot of laughing and not a lot of school work accomplished. Fun night -- best kind.


miss chris said...

Oh my word. Your posts always have me laughing out loud. Seriously, Gaelic? That is awesome. You cannot make this stuff up.

Jackie said...

Oh Mary your dog and your brother...they should get together.Maybe Howard could understand Gaelic.And I know all about the fear of burning!!! (Same upbringing)